


i love him when it rains

by angelcult



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Book Quotes, Boys In Love, Falling In Love, Lemony Snicket Quotes, Love Confessions, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:35:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25501486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelcult/pseuds/angelcult
Summary: Connor’s been waiting for a while for the right moment to profess his feelings to Jared only to be beaten to the punch, and he takes into consideration how being loved makes him feel.
Relationships: Jared Kleinman/Connor Murphy
Comments: 5
Kudos: 25





	i love him when it rains

They’re laying in Connor’s bed when it happens, Jared resting atop his dozing boyfriend.

Connor’s eyes are closed and his chest is subtly rising and falling, his eyelashes brush against his soft, pink cheeks, fluttering on occasion.

Jared’s so close he can see the freckles that lightly splatter his nose and the words slip out before he can stop himself.

“I love you.”

It’s almost comical how fast Connor’s eyes snap open, and Jared is a bit stunned himself despite being the one who  _ said it.  _

“You-you, uh, you what?” Connor stutters out, not moving and instead, watching Jared in a way that was almost unnerving.

Mismatch brown and blue eyes are scanning over Jared’s face, like he’s searching for something and he’s getting more and more panicked the more he doesn’t find it.

“I uh, I love you-“

“Really?”

Jared just nods and Connor breathes out a shocked breath, throwing his arms around Jared’s shoulder, pulling him down and nuzzling into his hair.

He doesn’t say it back, and Jared bites his tongue as a weird sense of insecurity bubbles up in his chest, burying his face into Connor’s chest.

He smells like his body wash and cigarettes, the taste of it filling his nose and the back of his throat, he can  _ taste _ it, thick and cloying.

He’s sort of wishing he hadn’t said anything at all.

Connor squeezes him a little but Jared thinks that they both know that the damage has already been done. 

  
  


When Jared leaves, Connor squeezes him hard and kisses him hard on the mouth, and Jared thinks he means something by it but.. Really, he’s not sure.

Connor closes the door and turns, leaning his back into it and burying his head in his hands.

He didn’t think that Jared would say it first, and to think he’d done it on  _ accident  _ while Connor’s been working up the nerve for the last few weeks.

He’s almost said a couple of times, but no time ever felt right. School felt too exposed, and Connor had an unconventional fear of the boy laughing at him, even though he  _ knew  _ that Jared wouldn’t.

They’re past that point in their lives, even though it still occasionally brings a tender ache to Connor’s chest.

Sometimes, he barely catches himself. He’s half-asleep and warm and it’s early and Jared is just  _ right there,  _ and he loves him so much that the words nearly make their way out before he can stop them. 

Clearly, Jared returns the sentiment, but after today and the way he reacted. He was.. sort of shocked, mostly, that even after this long  _ (a year and a half!)  _ that Jared actually loves him.

It’s a scary thought. 

  
  


Connor sees Jared on Monday and he’s expecting things to be tense but instead Jared greeted him with his usual hug and kiss, pulling him into his arms and swaying them from side to side. 

“Hey, Connor.” Jared’s voice holds no malice, only the ever present  _ awe  _ he seems to have towards him and Connor’s relieved, enough to kiss him back chastely.

They talk about their weekends and then part for class and it’s not so bad, it really isn’t, even though it’s a little unnerving that things feel so.. normal. 

The day goes by as slowly as expected, Senior year sometimes feels like a drag as they go through the motions of getting ready for graduation. 

At lunch, Jared holds his hand and he rubs his thumb back and forth over his knuckles and Connor is watching him through the curtain of his wavy hair. 

Jared has a cute smile and a slight overbite, you can see his gums when he smiles and he has some acne on his cheeks.

Connor can’t believe someone as attractive as that loves him back, even if Jared doesn’t know it because he’s too scared to say it.

He squeezes Jared’s hand and the other squeezes back, throwing a smile Connor’s way before jumping back into his conversation with Evan and Alana, he doesn’t even know what they’re talking about, he’s been too busy watching Jared.

He could say it, he could say it right now with their friends as witnesses to the bearing of his soul, he could tell him that he loves him. 

But the words catch in his throat and seize up, he can’t speak, he just can’t tell him.

Not yet.

  
  


Connor doesn’t actually know what he’s waiting for, just that he is, that he’s scared of saying those words because suddenly they’d be more real, then Jared would  _ know  _ and on one hand, he does want him to but the thought of him seeing with such vulnerability is a scary thing. 

Love is a scary thing, in Connor’s expert opinion. 

He thinks he can hold off on it a little while longer. 

  
  


Jared never does say it again, but Connor thinks he can see it. He can see it when he brushes Connor’s hair back from his face, when they shower together and he presses kisses to his shoulder. 

He’s never considered the possibility of Jared loving him back so he never looked for it. He’s looking for it now and quite frankly, he’s a little overwhelmed. 

He loves him when he’s mixing honey into his tea, he loves him when they have a disagreement, he just  _ loves him. _

Suddenly, love doesn’t seem so scary.

In fact, Connor isn’t so sure what he’s scared of anymore, it’s hard to believe he isn’t enough when Jared’s eyes and his smile is telling him that he’s more than enough. 

  
  


They’re reading, or rather, Connor is laying in Jared’s bed reading aloud while Jared listens as he plays video games.

He comes to a few paragraphs that strikes him in the heart.

_ “I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday. I will love you as the starfish loves a coral reef and as kudzu loves trees, even if the oceans turn to sawdust and the trees fall in the forest without anyone around to hear them. I will love you as the pesto loves the fettuccini and as the horseradish loves the miyagi, and the pepperoni loves the pizza.  _

_ I will love you as the manatee loves the head of lettuce and as the dark spot loves the leopard, as the leech loves the ankle of a wader and as a corpse loves the beak of the vulture. I will love you as the doctor loves his sickest patient and a lake loves its thirstiest swimmer.  _

_ I will love you as the beard loves the chin, and the crumbs love the beard, and the damp napkin loves the crumbs, and the precious document loves the dampness of the napkin, and the squinting eye of the reader loves the smudged document, and the tears of sadness love the squinting eye as it misreads what is written…” _

Jared’s not playing the game anymore, he heard him stop around the first “love” and now he staring at the book and he can feel Jared’s eyes on  _ him _ and he doesn’t want to look, he doesn’t want to see his eyes, the anger, the disgust-

He looks up anyways and he doesn’t see anger, he doesn’t disgust. Shock, sure, but there’s a glimmer in Jared’s eyes that he can only identify as pure adoration.

“I love you.” Connor breathes out, and the hesitation is nearly tangible but the smile that comes to Jared’s face is one that he never wants to forget.

“I love you too.”

“I’ve loved you for a while now, I was just-I was scared to tell you, I.. I don’t know, and then you told me that  _ you  _ loved  _ me  _ and I just.. didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t believe it.”

Jared sets the game controller aside and climbs into bed with Connor, gently takes the book and dog ears the page even though he tries to avoid it, he knows Connor hates to mess up the pages, and he focuses on his eyes.

He still looks a little scared but Jared lays his hands against his cheeks, tries to soothe him and succeeds when Connor’s eyes lose their fear gradually.

“I love you, I love you so much. Don’t ever think for a moment that I don’t, because I do.”

Connor rests his head on Jared’s shoulder and nods, getting into Jared’s space and feeling safe there. 

“I won’t.” Not again, not when Jared’s looking at him like that.

Not with so much love in those green eyes. 


End file.
